HELLO.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." Through the Looking-Glass; Lewis Carroll
| Hello. | Goodbye. |
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Through the Looking-Glass; Lewis Carroll |
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Sunday, September 05, 2010, 1:39 PM
Thursday, August 05, 2010, 12:28 AM
Oh, funny, ha, ha. It's kind of hypocritical that I promised to be a heck lot more positive here, but what I've only done is to screw things up further and I can't put this anywhere else because you cannot read it because it's not your fault, only mine. She said that the best advice ever given to her was to write it, write all of it out of my system so I'm going to try that here and hope for the best. I know I've been scared a lot, lately, and to be honest pretty much all the time I reckon I've lost all hope that I ever had in what's to come. Looking back now the truth is that I was a lot happier last time around, even though lots of things weren't perfect but I felt happy, but now I know all too well that that was just a lot of luck and egocentrism. Now when I'm faced with pressure and the competition to learn more for some reason I no longer feel as beautiful as I used to feel happier about, which is pride in the most narcissistic form of itself. I'm no longer the best and it bugs me, and that makes me worried because it means that I'm not in it for the learning, though how desperately always I try to be. I've not been the best friend. I've taken a lot and given nearly nothing in return, nothing I can tell myself confidently and surely that it was sincere. I've expected so much and not worked to get any of it, then whine and sob and self-destruct when nothing goes according to plan. I told myself that I'd work a lot harder this semester but no matter how I try to get enthusiastic about it I never manage to go the whole hog at once though I know that I can't afford to let anything snowball this time round. I have so many wonderful people looking out for me but I've never given back and to say that I don't dare to is just cowardice, and the worst thing is I cling on to them and I can't seem to let them go, though they have their own lives to lead. I'm getting anxious now cos I've been going on in circles and I haven't managed to knock any sense through my skull, but. I've taken too much for granted, love, and friendship. You deserved a lot better than me and what I can kick myself to give. I never listened properly, never sincerely, the way you never failed to give me your shoulder to lean on. This time when you found someone to open your heart to I kicked up a big fuss, called her all sorts of things I shouldn't have (in my head though, thank goodness) and went into defence mode, putting up all the walls and freezing over. I'm scared it will all end like last time, and my first instinct is to run for it and pretend all of this never happened and go all the way back to the beginning. And forget you. And I'm such a hypocritical bitch to be thinking that way because the fault is all mine and was never any of yours. I know I shouldn't rely on inference and I'm not the best judge of character. I'm angry. I just need to blow off steam. I need to cry. I'm an ungrateful slut to be doing this because the problem lies with me and this isn't anything to worry about, but her hurt and despair made me upset first of all. And I want to be with her through it, but she wants me to stay strong and I have to for all of us until you get better. I wasn't with you when you needed me. It might just be too late now. I can feel the tears, my eyes burn. I can't sleep though I have to and I'll probably have to take another pill just to knock myself out so I don't think about it and when I wake up tomorrow I'll force myself somehow to get on with what needs to be done. I'm worried about it and it's not what I should be doing but right now I hardly think there's any other way. I want to beg for your forgiveness and your warmth right now but I hardly deserve to, not at all. I want to curl up in a self-pitying lump and weep my heart out and call you all sorts of things and blame you for the fault that is and was never yours. And ironically, my very own hypocrisy hurts most of all. Monday, May 03, 2010, 10:46 PM
Well learnt that turns out she's human after all. Hmm. In such a sense growing up realising that yet another layer of the onion skin peels away. Entirely hopeless feeling of being overwhelmed, hearing the roar of water as it gathers momentum and swells behind me ready to topple over at any second, can't move anymore, can't even cry. Turns out that when I feared the world had frozen still and was going to fall apart, it turns out that it had just gone on turning without me, after all. And everytime I'm tired I laugh, I smile and my eyes sting and my head wants to burst from that overwhelming sensation to weep. Too tired to scream anymore. Is this it? Oh help, help. Help me. This just doesn't make anymore sense. |