HELLO.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." Through the Looking-Glass; Lewis Carroll
| Hello. | Goodbye. |
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Through the Looking-Glass; Lewis Carroll |
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Sunday, September 23, 2007, 7:19 PM
I don't know what's been happening for I don't remember what led to this all the quarrelling silent glares daggers into memory vanished into thin air. The cold hurt stinging in time like open, bleeding wounds in salty water the crimson bleeding gashed in one swift blow the sharp shock of pain muted over by the scarlet blossoming on pale, dead skin then awakened with a splash and left to rage. Walking in to carry on never having the luxury of quitting the silent obligations to perservere without the privilege to disappear to take care of those I love so dearly yet having them turning their backs never having the right to call it betrayal for I'd turned them down this path away from me. Derived of the right to remember what I'd had before and then to be doused with ice-cold water to what I no longer see all those I'd loved and whom had watched over been there barely a minute ago have vanished their warm, encouraging glances transformed by pain into cold, ignoring glares. Whatever heart, soul, beauty, feeling emotion all gone now first pulled then snatched and ripped finally wrenched away from me cutting away from my hands slashing the skin and then, the pain of looking down, away from the loss and seeing that there is no more life no more tinge of human feeling for there is no more blood to bleed. For the silent sighs, now the peering away against the cold, frosty wind into the blurry distance rapidly disappearing into the omniscent darkness as the last light begins to vanish and the quiet last words, now soaked and pummelled in frozen blood the last whispers before fading quite faintly "I miss you" and I wished you would be here with me that I would not have to be left alone, alone even to die in overwhelming solitude. Turning you all away done in a confused swirl a torture of whirls of emotions, all raging wild reaching the climax of blistering intensity where confusion turned slowly, melded into throbbing agony where the wailing screaming stopped and the crying began. And all the while struggling against what I'd didn't know what I perhaps had refused to see like being wrapped up, suffocated by thoughts and longing and thrown about the place and being hit and feeling my body tear and being too busy screaming to see where I'd been bleeding like being trapped in a dark tunnel and hitting and scraping, struggling to get to the light and i fell. Waking from a turbulent sleep an infernal nightmare discovering no more thought remains only to see their faces and smiles and pulling back in drained confusion not knowing what to do then looking back at all of you shaking heads and turning away and the pain comes rushing back, ensconcing, surrounding drowning all over again the overwhelming feeling of betrayal and the agony of realization that it would never be so even though it seemed and not knowing where to go. Then pulling away, wrapping the darkness in on myself watching them smile, helping them teaching them to go on even though the life in me was one dull throb a robotic heartbeat, with nothing else left and then, in the dimness of night on my own, when they were all in peaceful slumber, feeling the slow, silvery coldness clamp down the waves of red slowly creeping, flowing the slice of pain followed by muted ebbing and it didn't stop. When day dawned and the sun rose realization that it had not ended when it should have wrapping what was left up and sliding it beneath the surface for they didn't deserve to see and they musn't returning to the torture of helping them find life when there was none left in myself. then again, feeling the silky wave of fire on my own when the sun went down and again it didn't end like jumping over the cliff like being forced into the edge instead of over it and feeling the dust in your face, the sand scratch your skin the watering in your eyes. Over over again and one night i was not alone for someone else refused to go to sleep and wanted to stay up and watch the moon with me. And i tried to shut her out tell her to go back to her bed telling her to return to where it was safe and she found out and she cried and she screamed in disbelief and within my own agony i found another dull throb a wave of guilt for hurting her as much as i'd been hurting on my own. But she held me and stayed with me and told me that i would never be alone. Told me it wasn't worth it told me to come back. but I never could and i told her to go on move on towards the light, back up through the tunnel pretended to go on behind her, tricked her with my voice lied to her to make her go back to where she would be safe. and even though it might have broken my heart plunged it back into despair the tiny, rainbow coloured butterfly flittered it's wings as she tread back to the light. it led her back from where i could no longer walk. I never did have the right to ask her to stay for she'd never belonged with me and you would have asked her to go back too she belonged at the other end with all of you. But she took the silver with her and now i had nothing left to take me, with one shot, at one go from mortal agony. didn't matter in this extremity i would find a way without knowing it. And back, back to the cold, wintry snow, in the stiffling cape of white too hurt to speak, to be normal and looking into the icy distance at all i was being taken from perhaps leaving behind and whispering my last words quite faintly a hope that you would never notice me gone and listening to the last, quiet ebb your last words to me of anger, of coldness which i would no longer feel you said i should have turned back, not run away now I guess it wasn't just one side of the story one end of the looking glass Now I'm waiting for the light to fade away the darkness to surround me the last wink of the setting sun the brief flash of agony before I'll disappear, drift away on the cold, western wind. I only hope I wasn't running away and I never knew if I was. I'll float one last time, as an invisible spirit above them to assure myself that they would be okay. and not feel that much guilt for at least i'd seen to it that they'd never known when i was there. I'll come and see you one last time before I go but I can't tell what you look like, how you look like anymore it's as if you're wrapped in a gray haze and then the light shines a bit and i see you, just as you. and nothing more. and before i go I don't know what it'll be like so I'll just have to wait wait and see. I was struggling there in the darkness, within myself and now, finally, I'll break free for it's not running it's just how it's meant to be but i was in there trapped, devoid, wrenched from memory and you were never there because i don't think you were meant to be at the time but now, i'm leaving and even though the fairytale won't end as one at least i know it has to stop here for me and now, i don't want to know how it goes on. I was trapped on my own within myself and whatever you said to me I couldn't hear in the darkness and i realize that i didn't want to hear and now, that i've been shaken awake no one wants to hear, no one wants to listen. Nothing left except my love, and the last ebbs of my heart now that all the evil, the dark, my fears my sad songs, my tears were all destroyed when I was and now, don't fear, for they can never hurt you and you'll never know that I'd hovered one last time and smiled and said nothing at all the memories we'd had that I'd cherished would shine for a moment and fall upon you, like my last blessing like an April sunshower, with rainbows glistening in the water and you'd look up and smile in wonder and you'd never know it was me. I'll be at first, a distinct wisp in the wind and then I suppose I'll fade and soon it would be as if I was never there En la luz débil de los primeros sunrays, una brisa apacible revuelve la nieve, batiendo encima de un espiral de remolinos nevosos del escarlata del mutedd. En una explosión de la radiación como el sol finalmente tira sobre el horizonte, los copos de nieve transforman - una nube de las mariposas blancas y negras lleva el aire, flittering sus alas y volando lejos a través de las montañas. El último a irse es un wisp delgado de la tolerancia, con las alas una mezcla magnífica de cada color del arco iris. Él sirls alrededor en la brisa, como si cante una canción pasada, haciendo una danza pasada, antes de tomar después de las otras. Pronto, la luz del sol cubre el escarlata en la nieve, y el rojo se descolora lejos en el blanco, como si nunca hubiera estado allí. And all that was left was a faint melody, etheral and fragile, drifting on the wind after all was gone and hovering for one split second, before it faded and spiraled away, leaving no trace that it was ever there, all except for a teardrop, glinting like the most exquisite diamond, which fell to the snow where the scarlet was before, and vanished. |