HELLO.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." Through the Looking-Glass; Lewis Carroll
| Hello. | Goodbye. |
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Through the Looking-Glass; Lewis Carroll |
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Monday, April 23, 2007, 2:14 AM
This will be a very long post, I guess. Was doing newspaper reviews just now when part of the article made me look back, way back, to the pioneering years of the btps choir. I remembered that there was a girl named Zayanah in my batch. We called her Zai or sth like that, can't remember, I think I'll call her Zay here. The teacher in charge took extra special care of Zay and me, as I recall. But then Zay was always the more favoured one, cos she did not have a cca before she had to join the choir. (As some of you may know, I was plucked out of Chinese Dance) We all joined the choir, we got plucked in cos of the compulsory auditions, I remember some classmates who sent in letters saying that they didn't want to join, I wondered why but then I thought it would be nice to join. the next thing I knew, the teacher had pulled me out of Chinese Dance, which I thought I would be able to continue even after Choir. But then my teacher ended that for me. Zay and I were in the first batch of sopranos the btps choir would ever have. Often, the teacher preferred the two of us to the rest cos... I guess we could reach higher notes? I dunno, but we were always picked out. And then, after p3, Zay went on to the next level, the best class, and I went to second best. And then everything changed. The teacher favoured Zay and only Zay alone. And she would show her off to the entire choir. "Look. Zayanah would be a perfect role model for all of you to follow. Look at her. She's dedicated, talented, so pretty. and she's got such a lovely singing voice. And she does well in her studies too. She's top in her class, and I believe, she'll be the best in the choir. she's got the best singing voice here, and she works so hard. And she's practically perfect." and for some fucking reason or another, I got bombarded. "Look at Ruiting. She's so stubborn. Such long, messy hair. such a crybaby. I told her to get her hair trimmed so long ago, and she still refuses to. Why? Want to go back to Chinese Dance? Go, if you want to, we don't need you here. You've got no where to go. What a blur queen. You should have chosen properly. don't stay here if you want to spoil everything like this. You can't compare to Zayanah, god knows why we even accepted you in the first place. And your glasses. You're so ugly. so stubborn." I guess that I had been so hardup I refused to look Zay in the eye. I never knew how she looked. I stayed on, despite Zay becoming an angel and me, just another old punchbag. In p6, just like that, Zay and some of her classmates walked out on us just as we needed them. So most of the p6 cohort was gone. And I ended up the only loner staying, so the new instructor made me the leader. And she gave me the right to tell the choir, choir stand. choir greet. And I never did get used to it, it had always been Zay, Zay, Zay. And then I blamed Zay, I blamed her for walking out, for being such an ungrateful fucking bitch, for just abandoning us like that. For being such a prim and proper princess, for making me do the dirty work. When one ascends, the other one must be eliminated. The teacher still rained abuse on me, this time it was more blame, more complain, more nagging, more..... comparing me to Zay. It was as if the fucking bitch was blaming me for Zay leaving, as if I had killed her little angel or sth. I went home that day, two days before the performance, and screamed my head off. I shrieked and shrieked and screamed, blamed myself for having that singing voice which had ended my dream of happiness, which had led me into this bloody mess. And I guess that was the end of my singing voice. I came down with a bad cold the next day, horrible sore throat. I had wished to get rid of this gift, and now it had been taken from me. Many would have heard that my singing voice had been destroyed by a cold. It was destroyed by my frustration. I didn't go for the performance, it was only after PSLE that my voice slowly recovered. I left behind my old life, my ruined hopes of my pri sch ccas. I started life anew with secondary school ccas. I felt too weary, too wasted, to go back to join the choir, to sing. When I went back for a visit two years later, that teacher had left. Zay had gone to a rather prestigous school. Either way, I decided to eliminate the two of them from my life. And emotional and sentimental as it may seem, I found that I could not. I sometimes wonder back, at how my life would have turned out if i had been like my other classmates, written a note and carried on with my life instead of taking the plunge. Ms Sharmi, if you're out there, please know that now, I blame you for making my life hell, for making me so upset that i had unknowingly placed all the blame on Zay, your little angel, when she had deserved none, when the only mistake she had made was being the good girl, for being herself. Please know that I'm hurt at the way you never thought to balance the two of us properly, that you manipulated us and flung me on the ground while you lifted Zay up. Please know that I thank you, for opening my eyes to this point, for forcing me to grow up too fast, for forcing me to cry on my own, for forcing me to conceal emotion, for making me blurt it all out, for teaching me that ruthlessness does exist. I will never know if you sought to bring us both up, or if it was all just a horrible game. Either way, I will know that behind that smiley exterior lies a desperate heart. I know that sometimes, it will be impossible to forgive, impossible to trust some. For your info. Yes, I was venting. yes. I was being emo. There are times when we have to do this. I'm glad I've learned to just spit it all out instead of killing myself further by putting it into the form of some poem. I want to leave this behind. Get it over and done with. It's not as if I'm in such a despo state whereby I will just vent out of control. Understand that this is one last ditch to settle the past. At least, that's for me. I don't think that I'll have to persuade to accept this. It's my past. Those who have decided to help me move on, all along the years, thanks indefinitely for standing by me. Understand emotion as a force. Shy away and it proves that yo can't handle it. |